A LETTER FROM THE MORASS

A LETTER FROM THE MORASS

Here is a letter from the morass of constant change and turmoil that hapless Merton's life has become.  Gracious!  Tryin' to make my way to something good, happy and safe, but realizing that life really is constant change, and safety, calm and security is an illusion.  I guess I will have to accept that, trust, do my best, and try to be happy no matter what occurs  Can I do that?  Can anyone?  Do you suppose that some very spiritual persons were calm and OK even as the Titanic sank?  I feel that is what God, fate, the Universe and my higher self are asking of me.  Oh dear.    

I hope that your lives are smooth sailing, dear ones, because now I truly see what choppy waters are.  I thought that the earlier part of this year was "the rapids," as I have come to call the occurrences of this year of constant change.  I did not know that I had not seen anything yet.  The Universe is trying to get me to realize something, and seems to be very quickly (and rudely) yanking me into some new life, situation and realization, it seems.  

Hmmmm... what is God, the Universe, and higher self up to?  I just don't know.  I'm trying to keep swimming.  Glad I had swimming lessons when I was little!  Somehow I missed the lesson or skill though, in those lessons, that would have prepared me for all of this.  I will keep trying to swim, though.  Not quite sure why, for I feel like (whiny as this sounds) that there is not much left for me to swim for or to.  I suppose I must think of my dear elders who I perform music for and my students... and all of you here on DA who read my writing and watch for my latest artwork.  

Keep me in your prayers and send good thoughts please, my friends.  I need that right now.  This letter may sound a little bit Eyeore, but I do have Mr. Rodgers Merton sitting comfortably in a room offstage, and he is ready to return sometime soon.  I know you are probably ready for that.  I have been keeping him safe and sound for a comeback, at a date still to be disclosed.  I even let him change his cardigan.  Wink.  And, I will try to let him come to visit you all as often as possible.  I am waiting for the day when, illusion or not, he is again permanently onstage, in residence, etc.  I am sure you are too.  Meanwhile, here is a letter from Eyeore Merton, with as much Mr. Rodgers Merton thrown in as I could manage.

Peace to you all...

M (No smiley face, maybe next time!  Wink)

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Hi there, my friend,

Well, I did not go to the spa last night.  D seemed to want me to stay home (he got home before I finished teaching) though he would never say, "I want you to stay home with me tonight."  I did not go to the spa, but was up all night again.  I just cannot seem to go to bed at nights, now that my world is imploding.  I always have had trouble with making myself go to sleep, but now I really have my days and nights mixed up, it seems.  

I am pretty exhausted from going to the spa several nights in a row (to avoid seeing D and to get used to when I am to be alone in the evenings in the future).  And when I get home, there is the issue that D is in the bedroom, and I still love him, and it is hard.  So I have been going to the spa and staying up all night, with email exchanges, letters to you, tears, etc.  Hard, hard, hard.  

My life is a complete mess.  We will see what happens.  I keep thinking that D surely does not really want me to go, after being together thirteen years.  Yet he keeps saying he does.  I am still pretty much in shock, though I have been planning, working on the transition a great deal, as you know.  

Then there has been this relating with my parents, working out the details of their assistance/help, the usual stuff my dad and I have (which is essentially, "I will help you, but you have got to be realistic and I do not really approve of various things about you and your way of living.")  Then there was my upsetting you, and upsetting my parents.  Goodness... so much, so much, so much... and all the complete upending of my world which is the undercurrent constantly there.  

It makes me feel that I will never be safe or secure again, and that even if things turn out OK eventually, I should keep in mind that nothing is secure, everything is ephemeral, life is constant change, and we should be ready for our world to fall apart at any moment. I feel, somehow, that from now on I should always be aware of this.  

Can I ever be happy again?  Even if I get to the M, I could lose all or part of my income, suddenly not be able to play or sing, lose my health, my home... Sorry, being Eyeore again.  It is just so hard.  

I feel like I have this long struggle ahead of me, don't have the umph, and am awfully fragile to do this herculean effort.  And then, I will be lonely and I could lose even my life at the M at the drop of a hat.  I guess this is life.  I must accept that.  Even though I thought all was well here in my life with D, it was not.  My sense of security and being safe and loved was an illusion.  I guess that is just how things are here on earth and we have to make the best of it.

I am glad to hear about your newest art success.  That is great!  I am sure you could make wonderful cards to sell in fancy shops, or other places.  Cool.

Interesting that you took the Aspergers test too, and your result.  I do not remember much about the scoring, except that on one of the tests, I came out just below the line which indicated Aspergers.

I will take a look at what you sent when I do emails.  Thank you for your letter, and I hope you have a good and creative day.

Merton