MERTON OF BABLYON

MERTON OF BABYLON

Why (on earth) is Merton still afraid of hell?  It's iconoclastic/free-love Merton vs "best little boy in the world" Merton in this piece.  They are STILL duking it out!  Who will win?  I have a suspicion, but it's a fight to the finish...  Goodness gracious!


A friend and I have been discussing my (still present) fears of hell... even though, intellectually, I do not believe in it.  I think this is a pretty interesting letter.  Hope you will not think I am the Whore of Babylon.  I suppose Merton, like the Devil (wink) perhaps is a "charming man" so maybe you will go on thinking well of me, even if you disagree with some of the ideas I present in this one.  But I do think you might find this interesting, dear friends and viewers.

________________________

My dear friend,

Why am I STILL afraid of hell (at times/to some degree) even when I do not intellectually (or morally) believe in it?

Well, I think it all goes back to my being gay and having parents who though very intellectual and liberal, did not accept my sexuality.  My first partner was not welcome in my parents house.  I felt I had to segment myself to be welcome.  This was traumatic and induced much fear and self-doubt in me.  

I am very outgoing, extroverted and transparent in my communication and approach (as you know) along with a very sensitive, easily hurt, insecure side, too.  I found it crushing not to be accepted by my parents and to be expected to segment myself.  There were many discussions, fights, tears, and a general feeling that I was not acceptable, lovable etc.  

Surely God must not accept me either, if my highly kind, liberal, thoughtful, well read parents did not?!?  Now my parents have come a long way, and they love my partner and treat him very well.  But still, I have these feelings deep down inside, and essentially am not at peace with myself, God or the world.

I am sort of fearlessly myself, live a life that fits me, struggle with my notions of eros, sexuality, my sex life, etc. And, ultimately, I live in the way that fits me in all ways: intellectually, spiritually, relationship-rules wise, sexuality, etc. I do indeed live unconventionally.  I am, for the most part, ok with that (and feel it is proper) even if the world would not approve of all aspects of me (if it only knew the full Merton... gasp... horrors... wink).  

Maybe the world would really gasp in horror.  Lol. Sigh.  There are, for sure, parts of me that many in the world would cluck their tongues at and say, "NO, no, no... bad, bad, bad!  You are not allowed to live that way!  You must not behave that way!"

I am cool with me, my life, my various aspects... well cooler and cooler, anyway. But the world is not, or would not be, if I truly were me at all times to all people.  Maybe no one can do that.  Maybe I am silly to want to be fully integrated in me and in the world. Maybe no one, gay or straight, can be fully themselves at all times to all.  

Maybe no one can.  But isn't that a problem?  I think it is.  I think it is ridiculous and unhealthy, and dis-ease inducing that almost every one cannot be themselves, that there are things we cannot say, cannot show, that we must keep hidden, that so many things are unseemly.  

Why are we locked into bee-hive hierarchies and must go about, covering our bodies, hiding our thoughts, living according to confining schedules and morays that suppress us, exhaust us, make us hide all sorts of thoughts, feelings and parts of us?

Why do all go about saying "How are you?" when no one really wants to know the answer to that question, and all are so stressed and tired that even to listen to or respond to the true answer would exhaust our patience or interest.

Why must we all go around wearing clothes all the time?

Why must we segment our various parts, especially sexuality?

Why must we think of God as separate and judging, and why is sex not holy, even recreational sex or masturbation?

Why is the penis or the rectum or the vagina so vulgar and terrible?

Why is it awful to get old, and we must alter our bodies to be acceptable?

Why is fat bad and shameful?

Why is it unthinkable to admit that our parents have sex and, heaven forfend masturbate?

Why is no one talking about the fact that, essentially men are not biologically designed to be monogamous and women are built differently?

Wouldn't it be better to be honest and open about this and in many cases design a relationship that is honest and works?

Why don't couples, gay or straight, just talk about what they want sexually, make an arrangement that fits them, and be completely honest about that, rather than be dishonest?

Why does no one admit or talk about the fact that they masturbate and how often?

Why masturbation so private?  

Why is sex and the body so private?

Why cannot sex and masturbation not be acknowledged as part of spirit and even be a part of prayer, liturgy, daily life, friendship, etc.?

Men think about sex constantly and are extremely visual... so what? Why is that bad?

If everyone came everyday (maybe even, heaven forfend more than once!) with themselves or someone else, the world would be a happy, nice, place, wouldn't it?  Really, wouldn't it?  Who would have the pent up frustration or desire to be mean, crabby, hurtful or warlike, if this was the case?

Why cannot sex (though it can be very deep and "spiritual") many cases times just be like a wonderful hug, pat on the shoulder, or a listening ear.  What's the big deal? Why not? Why would that be so immoral or inappropriate.  Our suppressed, ridiculous view of sex and many other things is not working.  And, everyone secretly would love this. So why not give it a try, world?  

Why have we necessarily attached all this significance (moral and otherwise) to the body, its fat, its wrinkles, its parts, its sexual functioning?  Why is all this stuff bad and to be suppressed, ignored, labeled bad, ungodly, unholy? Why?

I could go on and on...

Forgive me, but I would just like to know!

I suppose we are all ridiculous about these things because of religion and scripture.  Or maybe religion and scripture is this way about the body and sex because we are.  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

So the above questions illustrate the iconoclastic, questioning me. Terrible, free-love, immoral, hell-bound Merton! And, if I can ask all those questions and demand of the world an answer with my silly little tome, here (and thumb my nose and live in a way which attempts to address these questions) then WHY do I care what the world thinks or how the world is?

That is a really good question.  I suppose that it is because I am of two minds and hearts about the issue.  I really do have those questions, and I really do try to live in a way which addresses them.  But I also am "the best little boy in the world" who was meant to be a priest, feels deep down inside that maybe the traditional ways of the world and society are right, and God is in his heaven, ready to pounce on the likes of me for being such a bad boy!  Arggg.

I am kinda extreme in my self, my life, according to the world's view. I do think, live, behave differently, that is for sure.  I insist on being myself, artistically, sexually, daily life-wise, schedule-wise.  I am very stubborn, and absolutely insist on being me, more and more.

And, I guess, for all of my questioning and living in a different way that attempts to address some of these questions (and many others), I am afraid, on some level that I am wrong and will be punished for this... that, I suppose one must follow dogma and rules, do what is "God's will... not ours,"  and not "sin" (according to scriptures or society) etc.

I go back and forth, in my mind and my heart.  Fearlessly I am me and want to be fully me and integrated within me and to all... and they I feel that I am wrong in this.  I think, I have ultimately decided to be me, no matter what and take my chances... but it is still scary.  I guess, maybe I just need to grow and age a bit more, till I am completely comfortable with myself.

For now, though, there are still times that I have that scary feeling that I will die and it will end up being like the traditional Christian view of God after all, and I will be sucked down into hell... and that will be the end of me (eternity in one of those terrible Bosch paintings, those hellish landscapes). It is so silly!  Gracious, Merton!

I guess I should just be a celibate monk, and suppress my sexuality, my sense of eros, etc., as gay men did so often for so long (as we are told we must, or suffer punishment). But I can't seem to do that either.  Rather, I do tend to ask those questions I detailed above, and more and more change my life to reflect that I have such questions.

I imagine I will just end up being myself, try to integrate all the complex opposites in me, etc., and take my chances.  I imagine that I will just hope that God truly is love (if he is sentient at all, or a he or a she, or exists at all).  

I have searched and struggled so much. I suspect, even if I backtrack some at times into fear, that I just, for the most part, will give up, be me (with all my contradictions and polar opposites and things that society cannot accept) and hope for the best.  

But it is scary, and sometimes I still get overwhelmed by all the fears that exist down inside me.  Things like the death of a friend, 2012 craziness, etc., come along from time to time and push me over into fear, wondering about death, afterlife, etc.  Even after all my searching, reading and processing, still I can get enmired in fear and worry and judgment at times.  

Goofy Merton.  Say a little prayer for me... even if you think I am the Whore of Babylon (or maybe especially if you do)!  

-Merton (of Babylon)
Wink