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MERTON THE CHAIR: A LETTER TO MY FATHER

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MERTON THE CHAIR
A letter to my father

This is rather a heartfelt, personal letter, but I have removed personal names, no one here knows my dad, and maybe it will help some of you with your issues with your own parents.  It is tough being a child, a grown child, and a parent.  Garrison Keillor is right, parenting is a thankless job, and you get blamed for everything in the therapists office.  

I want to have the best possible love and relationship with my Dad.  It's been hard being father and son in many ways, but I love him so much, am proud that he is my dad.  I want us, before our journey together is through, to have the best, most love-filled relationship possible.  I touch on many issues in this letter, that, I think, all sorts of people will identify with.  I think especially, anyone with father or parent issues, or anyone marginalized in any way will find this letter helpful and interesting.

_________________________________


Dear Dad,

First of all, I just want you to know how much I love you.  No son could love his father more, be more grateful for all he has been given, or be prouder of his Dad.  I love you so very, very much.  And, I want you to know that everything in our phone conversation today still stands.  I am still working on self sufficiency, trying to continue to use my talents to uplift, instruct and help others.  It was a very good conversation, and I would like to build upon it here in this letter and see if we cannot come to understand each other a bit better.  

I do have a plan, and am working on it and will continue to do so.  I think there is something you must understand about me, though, and I think you do not.  I think you feel that I am just an ordinary person, who is sort of selfish, and just needs to buck up, do exactly what the world requires, live as all others do, and be strong.  I just need to be strong, stop being selfish, and all will be ok.

The problem is, I just am not an ordinary person.  I am a little bit (or maybe a lot) like some of those, admittedly rather tragic, Tennessee Williams characters, and this is not just some fantasy I cling to in order to get my way (sometimes I think you think that).  I know myself.  Someone with problems with nerves and depression, mood swings, etc., (life long problems with this), is not like the average person.  

I try very hard to be strong, and I am extremely spiritually oriented... all the things we talked about are true.  I think in my own way, I try perhaps much harder than the average person to stay in touch with  God as I perceive of Him, find my purpose, create, perform, teach, write, etc... to help others.  There is not, I think, an hour that goes by in any given day that I do not think of God, my purpose, why I came here, etc.  

I write, draw, paint, sculpt, compose, record about such topics all the time, I talk about this with my students and the people I perform music for... and it does seem like this helps and uplifts others.  It helps me to know and understand myself, and seems to help others, too.  I am glad of that.  I think, perhaps, that this would not be so, if I were not the eccentric, rather "not ordinary" person that I am.   

I try very hard to respond to God, who often speaks to me in the form of my Muse.  Art, writing, etc., are not just neat hobbies that I can give up because finances require it.  I must do these things or I will die, and I mean that.  If creating is taken away from me, my spirit will be starved, and I will wither, in all ways.  I am sure you do not understand this, but that is as plain as I can make it.

And, you must understand, that my analogy concerning a chair not being a couch (or several other examples) is pretty accurate.  The world is set up for everyone to be a couch, but some people are chairs, and they will never be a couch no matter how hard they try.  And when they do try to be that couch, they can sometimes get by for a bit, by not throwing the valium out the window (as Mom did), and instead taking the valium.  

But eventually that does not work and they are faced with either crashing and burning (repeatedly), or making their life fit them.  I may have gone too far in stopping performing altogether, and I am willing to try very hard to make some sort of compromise that makes the money the world requires. But I am still a chair and not a couch.  There is nothing I can do to change this.  No amount of bucking up, just being strong, spitting in the eye of life, etc., is going to change this.

It is not that I, or G, or perhaps your Dad, Aunt D, or Laura in the Glass Menagerie must just buck up, be strong, live just as the world says to, and everything will be alright.  We will always, no matter what be a chair.  I am going to try to sort of make my chair self do what the world requires in a way that I think maybe I might be able to handle.  I am going to try very hard.  But it is not simply that I could (as you would do) just say to myself "I am not going to let the world beat me.  I am going to hang in there and do what the world requires, because I am tough, I am strong," etc.  

No matter how much you or I would like for this to be a possibility, for me, it is not.  What is possible, is for me to, with the mind God gave me, my intense spiritual and creative nature (also given), to try to make some sort of compromise that takes into account that I am a chair (or perhaps Laura's unicorn with his horn broken off) and still attempts to make it in the world.  

I do want to contribute, help others, and I always have.  But there are only certain things that are possible for chairs.  I really mean it when I say that teaching privately, performing for elders (and maybe a few other things like singing sets at a restaurant) are what is possible for me.  Functioning normally in the world is not.  It would be suicide for me to try that.  I tried for as long as I could, in various ways.  I cannot.  I wish, somehow, I could explain this to you, and that you would understand.

I want your love and approval so much and I always have.  I have felt your love and some approval, but I have felt that there have been certain things (like my sexuality and my chair/broken unicorn nature) that I do not have acceptance from you in regards to.  Maybe that is just not possible.  I know you just want the best for me.  But, honestly (and that is what this heart felt letter is about), what I want, and dream of, and have wanted and dreamed of since my childhood is your unconditional acceptance and love of the full me... even parts of me you do not understand, or wish were not so.  Does this make any sense?

As for Christmas, as soon as I told D that you wanted me to reconsider, he immediately said I should and, long and short, implied I was being selfish by not going.  I do not know why I do not seem to be able to go.  I could list reasons, but I do not think that is productive.  I just need to say, that I am really struggling, even if at times I sound up, and good on the phone.

My entire life has fallen apart, and I am having to recreate myself, my schedule, my budget, accept the loss of my partner, live in the house for a year knowing he no longer loves me, move, figure out what I can take and can't, worry over the filling of my schedule and money.. and this was after 5 years of midlife crisis and all the things that happened this year prior to D and me splitting.  

Dad, I am completely overwhelmed, lucky to be functioning at all, and my whole world is turned upside down.  I do not know why, but as soon as you and D both asked me to do this, my tummy immediately started to hurt, my heart started to pound, and I am on the verge of a panic attack.  I just do not think I can do this, Dad.  

I love you all so much, and I will miss you, and probably wish I was there, but I know me, and what will happen is I will worry about it with increasing intensity, have trouble sleeping, eating, teaching, performing, etc.  I already had trouble eating supper tonight.  I am sure it is incomprehensible to you, especially since I love you and you love me so much.  I just need to not have the pressure of the holidays.  It is too much for me.  

I do wish so much that you could accept that I am a chair and a broken unicorn.  I am still neat, loving, spiritual, try to help others, can appear at times to be "Ta da!  Super Merton," but I am still a chair and Laura's Unicorn.  That is not going to change.  No amount of being strong and bucking up will do it.  At least I threw the valium out like Mom did, I am still trying to help others and stay close to God as I always have.  

And, I am trying to find a way that I can make the money the world requires and continue to live.  I am trying to be strong in my own way.  But there are certain things I can do and certain things I cannot, not if I do not want to fall apart.  Bucking up does not apply to chairs and broken unicorns... well, maybe there is bucking up in their own way (though the world does not see chair-ish, broken unicorn-ish bucking up as acceptable or proper). I am doing the best I can within my limitations.  But it is not like "Everyone has limitations and troubles Merton... buck up and everything will be ok.  Just be strong and you and everything will finally be ok."  That just is not an accurate assessment of me or the situation.  

I guess if you can only see it that way, I will have to accept that this is the only way you can see it.  But I am trying to communicate, one more time, that this is not so. I do not know what happened to Mom's friend MC, but I imagine that I am more like her, or like my friend G.  I think in some ways, perhaps because I am lucky and God gave me talent in things like writing, art, music, performing, creating programming, etc., I have fared better.  But essentially, it is the same with me.  I am not an ordinary person and bucking up and "being strong" is not going to make it so..

Can you understand what I am saying and accept this about me, love me, approve of the whole me, chair-ishness, missing horn, different life choices, different opinions, somewhat different world view and all?  Can you give your unconditional love?  That would mean the world to me.  I do not mean this the way it sounds, but I never have felt like I  have that, and it would help me so much if I did, from you and Mom, and maybe my partner.  

Maybe nobody ever gets this, but is so painful that I always feel I am loved and approved of with reservations.  I do not mean that as an insult, guilt trip or anything like that.  I am just sharing with you from the bottom of my heart.  

I do think that this is the missing piece in the world.  If there is a new golden age coming, or if, in the traditional Christian view "God's Kingdom": comes, it will be an age of unconditional love.  It is hard to fathom unconditional love, I know.  I try to work on that myself.  I tried to work on that with D.  I loved him, everyday.  

No matter how cross he was with me (and he was cross with me many times, every day for thirteen years), no matter how cold or how Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde he was (and D is so good and kind, but I did deal with these things a lot; its just how it was)... I loved him and tried to be affectionate, change whatever little thing he was upset about, figure some new way to please, etc.  I tried to unconditionally love him and give him whatever would soothe, please, make him happy.  I know it looks like he gave me everything and I did not make very much money, was selfish, etc., but I tried so very, very hard.

I try to do that with my students and my elders too.  It is not always easy.  But I try.  I think I try so hard, because, being gay, not feeling like I fit in my family because I am gay and strange, not fitting in the world because I am a chair and broken unicorn, etc.,  has been so hard.  I guess it is sort of the wounded healer thing, that one reads about or hears of.  

Anyway, I love you Dad.  I hope what I wrote explains a little more.  Try not to be upset.  I know I was very frank, but I do want us to, before it is time for either of us to go, move into deeper understanding and love.  I do not want there to be anything left unsaid, or any attempt not made for the best possible relationship and understanding between us.

Your son,
Merton
MERTON THE CHAIR
A letter to my father

This is rather a heartfelt, personal letter, but I have removed personal names, no one here knows my dad, and maybe it will help some of you with your issues with your own parents. It is tough being a child, a grown child, and a parent. Garrison Keillor is right, parenting is a thankless job, and you get blamed for everything in the therapists office.

I want to have the best possible love and relationship with my Dad. It’s been hard being father and son in many ways, but I love him so much, am proud that he is my dad. I want us, before our journey together is through, to have the best, most love-filled relationship possible. I touch on many issues in this letter, that, I think, all sorts of people will identify with. I think especially, anyone with father or parent issues, or anyone marginalized in any way will find this letter helpful and interesting.
© 2012 - 2024 mertonparrish
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