NOW THE ONLY REAL THING

NOW: THE ONLY REAL THING
... or the closest thing to it


This piece began (as many of my literary works do) as a little note that I sent to a friend. As is often the case with such notes (and how wonderful that this is so) I have (at the bidding of my muse) expanded this communication and turned it into a deviation.  Now, in its present form, though lacking the small size, charm and immediacy of a personal note, it captures well my latest feelings about life, existence and reality.

I find it a delight that my communications here on DA provide such a great catalyst for my thoughts and propel me along my journey.  It is my hope that watchers and visitors might find this piece (and other such pieces) of use, thought provoking, etc.  

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"Now:  the only Real Thing… or the closest thing to it."

I hope that this title was intriguing for you, and gave you a good idea of the direction of this piece.  This notion of existing and living in the now is an important topic… perhaps "the" topic, really, as we middle aged ones get older and tired of so much effort and wheel spinning, in our weariness and "curmudgeonliness" (I think I just made up a word).  

Sorta teasing there, living in the now is for everyone, though I do think as we get older, we have less and less patience for all the noise and wheel spinning of life and life's constant effort and search.  Maybe that is how the earth plane is designed, to bring us (through a sense of exasperation and exhaustion) finally to a quiet sort of "I give up" acquiescence, a resting in "God" and listening?

Perhaps…

My feelings come after a short period of intense consideration, change and process, in which I have contemplated me, life, existence, etc.  I consider this period a sort of a "straw that broke the camel's back," in terms of my willingness to give much credence to thought systems and religions in general (not God and spirit, but thought systems and religions) and the control, angst, worry and fear that these engender.  

This intense period (and subsequent camel's back broken via a straw) was brought about by the death of a friend, by my emotional and personal reaction to that, as well as my study of the 2012 Ascension notion/movement.  And, it is on the heels of (and a part of) my larger, writerly, art-hermit-ish "midlife crisis," (which has been going on for about three years or so) plus a lifetime of search and study.  

The progression of my thought and strategy for living (in relation to the things I refer to above) can be seen in the "A Merton Reader" links at the bottom of my Deviant ID module.  This is placed at the top, right hand side of my DA page.  Read and watch me progress if you are patient, curious, interested, searching... or just have a lot of time on your hands! Wink.  

The newest links in The Merton Reader are the "A New Merton" and "A New Merton Strategy," followed by the "Merton on the Human and Artist Journey" links (which are a bit older and cover roughly the midlife crisis I refer to above).  In each section, the newest pieces/links are first and the oldest are last.

As I mentioned, the death of my friend (and my reaction to it) and my study of the 2012 Ascension movement are catalysts for the writing of this piece.  So, let me begin by saying that I have come, more than ever, to see that our feelings and concerns about death are quite important to we humans.  "Do we live on?"  "Will we have bodies and consciousness after death?"  "Might we be punished or have a hard time of it after death, should we not live in accordance with 'God's' wishes?"  These are the sorts of things that cross our minds, we humans, even if we have considered notions such as pantheism, deism, Eastern notions of non-dualism, etc.   

And, as we consider various notions of self, God, heaven, afterlife, etc., there comes the notion of the "evolution" of man and mankind… not just what will happen to us as an individual, but as a race, as a species, etc.  And hence we have things like prophecy, which can, quite naturally lead to all sorts of notions such as the Christian "Rapture" and the newest, new age version of that (more on this later):  Ascension 2012.

I find the Ascension movement, ultimately, to be interesting, important and relevant, yet to a great extent filled with typical human illusion, ego, distraction, fantasy and projection. I think, in general, in short, that to attempt to define God at all, to decide upon a thought system which is "correct" and "truth," (other than the most general sorts of "be loving, tolerant, kind and live and let live), to attempt to fit ourselves and our lives into a thought system with any sort of dogma whatsoever, is folly.  

It can only bring stress, worry, misery, and a life which does not fit us. And, this is especially so, when any sort of apocalyptic/prophetic vision involving an "end of days" and ultimate whooshing to be with God (for those who behave or think "correctly") is involved.  I think, for me anyway, this is true whether we have the Christian Rapture, the new age Ascension 2012, or any other such vision of the ultimate destiny of man.

And so, having come to the conclusions I list above, I currently believe that the best approach to existence for myself involves a new focus.  That focus is on the "now" as the only real, non-illusory thing (or the closest thing to it).  I find this new focus to be quite important and crucial in my efforts to achieve peace, balance, rest and love (which is what I've been seeking for some time now, really all along, as I search, evolve and grow).   

As I mentioned above, I have come to the conclusion that we cannot define God, and I think, currently, it is wheel-spinning to try.  But, we can be in the now and attempt to become and be what we have envisioned God to be.  Now whether we actually "are" God or not, falls under the category of defining "him," which I think (more and more) is probably a waste of our time, possibly ego-filled, not productive, and ultimately even angst producing (as we go back and forth and worry about whether or not we are "correct" in our view of/definition of God).  

I am thinking, increasingly, that just by being at peace and "resting in God" (whatever or whomever "he" is, whether he is us, is connected to us, or is separate from us) in the "now" is the best way to relate to God.  How about we just get quiet, stop creating all sorts of grand thought systems which attempt to define him, us and our relationship to him, and just be satisfied with breathing, listening to, and  experiencing him.

Along with this thought, the following questions occur to me:

Wouldn't the above be enough and the most prudent thing to do, since we can never be sure (till all is said and done) if our definition of God (or any thought system we devise or ascribe to) is accurate or correct?

Wouldn't this be enough, since worry about this and/or grinding the machinery of our minds concerning this subject takes so much effort and creates so much stress and uncertainty?  

And, mightn't it be pertinent to consider (and give weight to) the fact that should we engage in the alternative, we might well be deluded, sidetracked, deep in illusion, etc.?  

Yes, more and more, I think that being in the now, experiencing life, our selves, and this notion we call "God," in the now (with no or few attempts to define or systematize) might be a very good idea. It might well be the closest we can come to reality, definition, etc.  Just being.  Just being in the now.  Just breathing, resting "in God," whatever or "who" ever he is.  

Being silent, cultivating quiet and simplicity, being at peace, being in balance, taking care of us, loving our loved ones, helping others a bit, and setting an example of just by doing this might be enough.  For, at this stage in my life, having had the "camel's back be broken" with this latest, emotional and intellectual to-do over the death of my friend and my consideration of the fascinating but disturbing Ascension 2012 movement, I am left with the question:

"Do we really need all that noisy, busy, other stuff with which we fill our lives, minds, and spirits?"  

I think not.  At least I suspect I do not.  

Might living very simply (without all the hullabaloo and noise of a "normal" twenty first century life) be enough?  And, might just quietly experiencing God through silence, breath, being with him (without defining or systematizing him) be enough?

I think it might well be.  

I would like to experiment, further simplify and hone my art hermit life, and see.  

And, I think a willingness to embark upon such an experiment is well founded, for, if the now is the only real thing (or the closest thing to it possible, as I suspect, from experience, life, much consideration, study, personal wheel spinning, etc.) then surely that includes God.  Isn't God, who, we assume and hope is much grander than Coca Cola the real thing, too?  Well, the eastern view would say he is Coca Cola as well as all other things, but let's not go there… for we are attempting not to do all that defining… lol!

Anyway, in simplest terms, all of it (us, existence, God, etc.) might well only exist in the now.  That is the most, I think, we can be reasonably sure of.  That is the best, I think, we can do.  

Otherwise, when we (often obsessively, as humans are wont to do) focus on the past, on the future, we drive ourselves crazy, judge ourselves and others, project moralities, agendas, thought systems (which are unrealistic, antiquated, hierarchical, dangerous, etc.) onto ourselves and others... all for the sake of and based upon things such as giving credence to the actions of a supposed "God" in the past, or a supposed apocalypse, evolving of humanity, or judgment of individuals in the future.  

And, both the past and the future are illusion, at least in terms of their true reality/effect upon us, right now.  True, time might now be linear (and I do tend to be open to the whole "jumping train tracks to other realities, non-linear time notion).  But we, for the most part, in our silly, human-ness, exist, conceptualize, and relate to linear time.  So, yes  past and future can be considered, can be studied, thought about or learned from. But ultimately, they are illusion/not real.

So, when we devise and force upon ourselves (and others) systems of thought, morality, judgment, behavior (other than those simplest of "love others, be kind, be tolerant, live and let live," sorts of notions I mentioned above) we abuse and torture ourselves and others.  We force our notions and other's notions upon ourselves and upon others, making them and us squeeze and scrunch.  It is uncomfortable.  It is ridiculous.  It does not promote love, peace, balance, resting in God.  It just causes arguing, hate, manipulation and trouble for all concerned.  

This is particularly so where God is defined, seen to "act" in past and future, where "God" requires hierarchies and obedience (with repercussions of eternal punishment etc.).  When this sort of "God in action" stuff in time is added into the mix, things really heat up.  We end up not only with miserable individuals, trying desperately to make their thoughts and actions fit a system which does not fit them, but we get holy wars, crusades, politicization of religion, power struggles, etc.  We really are in trouble then as individuals and a world.   

I cannot think of a nicer way to say all of the above.  Don't eat my liver.  I know that my frank statements will hurt some folks feelings, and for that I am sorry.  But I believe, in my current outlook, this to be true.

We need only look at the past, and all the pain that religion has caused to see this.  Religion has caused it, not "God" or spirit in the now.  It is good to look at and learn from the past.  I support that.  What I do not support or advocate is we humans personally being emotionally invested in the past or the future.  I do not support humans championing a system which defines God and inserts control and abuse into society via religion.  

I guess I am advocating being spiritual but not religious.  I suppose what I am suggesting, in simplest terms, is that it might be wise, for we humans (who have made our relating with God so complex) to consider something new.  How about we think about just getting quiet, listening, and resting in God (and cooling it with all the definitions and systems)?  

The alternative has not worked well for us, has it?

When we have religion with its "God has acted in the past, and He will punish you in your future afterlife (or you will be without him if you do not say as we or our "book/scripture" says you must do) we have torture and abuse of people and persons.  People torture each other with such notions and they torture themselves.   Religion (vs. an in the now, gnostic sort of connection without projections into past/future), as it is practiced today, in many instances, is (in my view) harmful and quite possibly just needs to go.  Or, at the very least, it needs to greatly change, so that it is a healing and healthy thing.

As well as the potential for emotional abuse, the physical harm and the torture of bodies, minds and souls described above, when religion is forced upon others via overt coercion or more subtle fear instilling tactics, when we accept religion (vs. spirit or God, undefined and simply experienced in the now) we are allowing the projection of something false and harmful into ourselves.  We are projecting a thought system, from someone else (or from the mind of man in general) into us.  And, I think from much study, experience and process (despite the notion of "faith" which is used to justify this otherwise unfathomable and act) we are probably just wheel spinning and enmiring ourselves in illusion, too.

Now, today, more than ever before, with the availability of the internet and all knowledge (at least a surface glance at it) available on the net, there is a great attempt to stop wheel spinning, to get at the heart of "truth," to look at the past and into the future, with increased understanding, increased perspective, all sorts of added esoteric "knowledge" etc.

I think, as I look at all of the stuff on YouTube (all of the cogent and interesting documentaries bandying about all sorts of thought, philosophies, etc., spinning off into all sorts of movements, many new and emerging) I am amazed at the mind of man.  We have great potential.  And, I do see that the world needs to change, that "we" need to change.  

But, what is striking to me, is that even in the midst of the 2012 hullabaloo, and the call for seeing God in a new way, with a greater focus on "individual sovereignty" (seeing a link between us and cosmos, spiritual evolution, etc.) there are still all the old human foibles.  

There are tendencies to create thought systems, to fantasize about apocalypses, to incorporate individual and mass consciousness fantasies which spin off and build upon each other.  There is the temptation to take these into the realm of prophecy and "channeling," to make fantasy become reality, to fragment and fight about this, to involve the ego, etc.  Many putting forth ideas are falling into these tendencies and temptations in presenting information on the net.  And, I think many becoming influenced by these thoughts are fanning those flames.

As for life and human existence, there will always be the unanswered questions, the unfathomable.  I think, with the world at our fingertips, with all information and fantasy and projection being ours at the push of a remote, the whoosh of a mouse and the tapping of a keyboard, we have fallen prey, especially, today, to that old human desire to know and capture truth… right now.  We want to know what is happening and what will happen, to us, to man, to the world.  How tempting it is to think that now we can finally figure it all out, since we are so connected!

But, despite all our technology, all our connection, all our Youtube documentaries, etc., we cannot know what comes after.  We cannot know what, for sure, this thing we sense inside of us (that we somehow sense is connected to life, the universe, etc.) really is.  We cannot know for sure if life continues on after death.  

All of that is pure conjecture and hoping for things to be a certain way after we die.  

All of the creation of moralities, cosmologies, hierarchies of angels, circles of heaven or hell, certain things having to be done or not done (to become or avoid being a part of all of this) is pure projection, fantasy and conjecture. It always was, and it always will be, connected earth, Youtube videos or not.

Down deep, I think, we all know that we cannot know.  But, oh, how we all become involved in the illusion that we can know!   We know we can't, but we long to.  We know we can't but nonetheless we love to immerse ourselves in creating fantasies and projecting realities, that can seem so immediate and real these days, with all our fancy technology.  

Whether it be the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the Bible, NDEs, the Book of Revelation, the Rapture, or the suspiciously Rapture-like, new age version known as Ascension 2012 (complete with alien assistance as souls and earth ascend), we love it all.  Oh, how we love to immerse ourselves in it… so much so that it becomes very real for us, and it can become our whole outlook and reality.

We want this all to be true.  We are both afraid and fascinated with the unknown.  None of it we can know, though.  All of it is conjecture, fantasy, hope, etc.  Yes, there are mysterious things which seem to prove various things like ghosts, spirits, NDEs (both heavenly and hellish), mystical experiences. I love them, am fascinated by them, hope for them, and am terrified by them too.  

I bless you and leave you free to explore such things as I list above, should you wish.  But for me, I release (or at least start my journey of attempting to release) all conjecture concerning such things.  I say "hello" to thoughts of such things, breathe and let them pass through me.  I do this in the Buddhist manner, as one does with all the things that approach our bodies or minds, which might distract or disturb our living in the now. Should they prove true, after my passing... ok.  But I release them for now.

Why?  

Well, if I embrace them, think on them, consider them, and (because of fear, worry, excitement over an illusive "aha" moment or idea) try to incorporate them into me and my life, I find two negative things happen:  

First, it is not a fit (and is like fitting a square peg into a round hole).  Thus, I am very unhappy.  I am not being myself.  I am not being authentic.  

Secondly, I am in the realm of illusion/delusion, am operating "on faith" that such things are so, and often start making all sorts of changes in my life.  These changes are not based on what is really best for me and what "fits me," but on illusion, faith in illusion, fear, worry, and projections.  

These projections are ridiculous, harmful and tragic, really, consisting of thoughts like "What will happen to me in the 'after life' if God is a certain way and I do not embrace the correct view of him?" or "What if I have to incarnate over and over, enduring all this pain, all because I have not embraced the right thought system or view of God?"  or "Dear me, what IS the correct view of God and correct system leading to understanding of or obedience to this "correct" God?"

And, once that happens, I am in a never ending cycle of envisioning a God that makes sense to me vs. one that might be "correct."  Alternately, I choose one that allows me to be my authentic self, then disassemble my views and my life to fit another view of God, with rules and characteristics I do not resonate with, but which might be "correct."  

Usually the latter is some sort of punitive God, whether he is the God of the Tibetan book of the dead, the Christian God, or even the new Age "we are one cell in the body of God" sort of non-dual deity that nonetheless will not allow me to "ascend" to a new fifth dimension earth if my life and thoughts do not put me in high energy.  And, worst of all, it is me who is doing it to myself (voila, another punitive Rapture and I did it to myself!)

So, all of these thought systems and views of God, mine or others, eastern or western, traditional or new age, buffet me about with all sorts of worry, fear, thoughts, fascination, alternately tormenting and soothing me.  

If I follow someone else's view of God, I am stuck with a God with whom I do not entirely resonate (and which requires me to live inauthentically, often with threat of eternal punishment, whether it be hell, reincarnation, or not ascending with all the other, good little new age boys and girls whose thoughts are evolved and high-energy).  

If I create my own system of thought which fits me, it makes sense, but I am left wondering if what my mind created (which makes sense to me) is how things really "are."  And, I am left wondering "Will I be punished for my audacity by the "true God" or be at odds with the "true" thought system, whether it be liberal or conservative, eastern or western, esoteric or not, traditional or new age.

Oh, torture, torture for such a one trained to seek the truth as I!  Such a torture for such an alternately brave and spontaneous creator-of-my-own-thought systems such as I (but parallely such a timid best-little-boy-in-the-world" church mouse).  Just being honest here.  Don't scold me or have my liver with a nice glass of chianti!

So, I am going to do the only thing which makes sense.  Perhaps there is a kind of wisdom to be gained from all this suffering.  Surely eventually I can learn.  You would think I would have learned long ago!  It is surprising that having stuck my hand in the fire and been burned so many times, I have not learned before.  However, I guess the fire was just not hot enough, and I just had to wait for that proverbial straw to break the camel's back.  I guess this last round (the death of my friend and my study of Ascension 2012) was the straw… at least I certainly hope so.  It certainly feels like that camel's back has been broken!

So, here, specifically is my reaction and intention, now that the camel's back is broken:

I release all of this, all tendency toward seeking the true thought system, the true God (and devising my own that fits me, as well).  I release it all, and embrace the now, a now of love, peace, breathing, balance and rest.  That is the only thing to do, or I will be buffeted about and bashed to bits.  

I am letting go and embracing my own connection to God, to whatever God is.  Maybe what God is is just me, maybe more.  Maybe God is separate from me, maybe h'es connected.  Maybe God is one with all that is.  I do not know.  I cannot know.  I can know what is right now (including God and spirit, I hope) as I live and breathe.  That is it.  That is what I can know, without illusion.  Or, at least that is the closest I can come.

So, no notions about God acting in the past, or projections of a possible future or futures with God or spirit for me.  No definitions of God.  No books of scriptures.  No thought systems belonging to anyone else or any group.  No thought systems of my own.  No combinations of my thought systems and others.  

No "ah-ha" moments about secret esoteric knowledge pointing to new ways of seeing God.  No wondrous twentieth Century or twenty-first century revelations which make all suddenly clear and redefine traditional terms making grand, "doh" it is really all so simple ephiphanies.  No new movements which bring about a sudden ascension and evolution of man just in the nick of time (combining ancient cultures and Star Trek and the end of dualism).  

I release you all and grab onto none.  Maybe one or all or none are true.  Maybe not.  It is not for me to know or decide.  For me, I plan to be in (or at least try to be in) each exact moment.  I plan to breathe, notice, be quiet, be at peace, be loving, make no pronouncements, draw no grand conclusions... just breathe, be at peace, be calm, be love... just be.

This is the only sensible, healthy, not abusive of self or others thing for me to do.  I know it.  I have had it with the alternative.  The camel's back has been broken with this last straw.  I am going searching no more ("Ya right," you are probably saying, but I do think I am ready to try.  I'm just out of gas.  There's no more steam.)  

So, the now is my focus.  I have tried on and off for years to live in it, but only just now am I truly becoming strongly, deep-in-my-core convinced of its importance.  Already (with my new found focus) I am much closer to being filled with love, balance, rest, peace, happiness, etc. And, aren't those things what we were seeking when we went looking for God or understanding, anyway?

-Merton